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PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 2:21 pm 
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Location: Heaven sent, hell bent & unrepentant
As I look out upon Bristo Square,the purple cow again living amongst us, with London and his wife soon to arrive, the Americans,overfed, overpaid and over here.
I overhear a lady in the table adjacent complaining that Kindles don't come in colours.
So use this thread to list the evils of banality that has likely just asked you if anyone is sitting in the empty chair next to you.

As a headstarter, here's a few lifted from the lyrics of Half Man Half Biscuit

‘Dream therapists
Is your lucky number seven
By any chance?’


‘And oh oh-oh-oh, here’s the bottom line
I’ll not be taken on board at this present moment in time’


‘They went up in a hot air balloon
They declared their love in a hot air balloon
Yeah, they drank champagne in a hot air balloon
And had a row on New Year’s Eve’


' They’ve got nothing but total respect for
Annie Lennox’


‘And if I’d known they were coming, I’d have slashed me wrists’

‘Ask her what perfume she wears
“Self-Righteous” by Anita Roddic
k’

‘Dropkick the improv workshop mimeshow gobshite
Out on to the sandbank and then send in the clowns’


‘But I wake up in places where jugglers have mates’

'Squid yes, not so octopus’

‘Praise for the wardens ready to fine
Anyone caught saying “graphic design”


‘A woman who described herself as “A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex And The City” and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice: call him Rupert, it fits, and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie, with all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp connotations, unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbot.’

‘A man from the record company who said that George Michael continues to challenge social taboos through his music’

‘journalists who try to spell an interviewee’s laugh’

‘I’m going to be apprehended by some mandatory galoot with a handheld camera
Who will point it in my face and say: “Who are you, and what do you do?”
And I’ll say “I’m a counterblast to Agnosticism, how do you do”
And he’ll go away immediately’


‘Chatto and Windus sitting in a tree
D-I-S-S-I-N-G
Keith Allen’s autobiography’


‘I believe I’ve seen holograms
With more substance than you
Automatic doors don’t open for you’


‘Stick this in your Volvo (glove compartment)’

‘For sale: gym equipment
But now your jeans are too tight’


‘Ma-ma-maroon was the colour of my true love’s hair
She’s got a cross-stitch exhibition over there’


‘Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat?’

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:19 pm 
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"What's that wonderful dish you just served?"
"Soup"

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Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. (Oscar Wilde)

Cut the crap & make it happen.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:12 pm 
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Location: Heaven sent, hell bent & unrepentant
Excellent.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:00 am 
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Drunk Irish 20 something walking past Teviot (loudly, slurring): 'So, like, I've been up for 23 hours already and I hardly feel it...'

His mate, completely ignoring the bravado: 'The thighs of a virgin...'



xx

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:13 am 
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"Hello..."
"Hey there. I. I. Tonight. Yeah. Can I have some camels?"
"I don't have camels but if you like animals I can get you giraffes, would you like some?"
"What's your name?"
"Not important but I can get you Seven Giraffes, would you be interested in that?"
"Yes, give me the giraffes."

30 min later, same guy
"Hey, hello, I want Seven Camels."
"Alright. But it's £3,70 and you only have £1,50 in there."
"What do I need?"
"I can get you a car for only £1 more."
"Ok. OK. Ok, give me a second."

15 min later, same guy comes back with a pound.
"Give me a car."

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:31 am 
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There were a lot of iPads in the building last night.

Just saying.

* * *

This was pretty good:

Me: I'm sorry, you can't drink that in here.
Him: All right, how much money do you want?
Me: What?
Him: How much do I need to pay you to let me drink this?

Like a fool, I just took his drink off him.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:44 am 
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Were you rude to the guy as well when you took his beer off him?

Just wondered. People have been trying to take my beer off me for years, it never worked. Usually I just tell them to fuck off,, and then leave the premises before either they call the cops or a hippie comes along and gives me a lecture on how to behave.

Sorry I missed the ukelele night tonight, I wanted to come along for that for a number of reasons. I loved the music I heard at the party I went to, back in the days.

It's still up in the air whether I turn up some night sporadically to "The Forest" before it all ends :( I just haven't felt like it for a while, and there are number of other reasons for that, mainly I'd just rather sit at home and listen to some music or watch a film.

LIke I said before, wether permitting, there are forests much closer to here where I can go and relax and get drunk without anyone particularly bothering me

If i don't see you this month then maybe I'll see you in your next incarnation

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:19 pm 
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"Can you ever really learn anything yourself Tom?"
"I'm not sure Sebastian, I'm really not sure."

My personal favourite: "Darling, you look very fresh faced. Have you shaved?"

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Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. (Oscar Wilde)

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:52 pm 
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Some nights I'm just really tired and people come up with the weirdest things.

Holding a falafel meal and a menu:
"I have a complaint."
"Tell me."

Points to the menu:
"It says in here three giant falafel balls."
"Yes."
"Well. Look at these."
"Yes."
"I paid for this because it said giant in here and these are not giant."
"Yes. I'm sorry but that's as giant as it gets in here."
"Well..."
"Yes."
"Well."
"I'm sorry - I can't give you your money back for semantics but if you want I can put some more hummus or extra salad in there."
"Can you put more falaf-"
"No."
"Well."
"Would you like some extra salad in there? Hummus?"

Pouts and walks back to the table:
"No, I already have enough salad."

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:06 pm 
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I guess that's one thing we overlooked when we remade the menus. Oops. :lol:


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:09 pm 
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We should have a special one for HRM. Starting with

'Can I have the Big Balls?'
'They're still defrosting'

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:45 pm 
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I thought I overheard someone saying the forest was a really happening place these days, but they were actually saying "this festival is one farthing-gale short of a royal hat trick!"

I've no idea what that means, it might have been some thing else, maybe something about the new Halle berry film or something.

Anyway looks like I've completed my mission to never go back into the forest ever again as I'll be other displaced with weekend probably. Hope you all large it up in the grand finale.

I don't really like the way this thread has turned into a bitch fest about customers that gave you a bit of gyp, it's not a good image to present.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:03 pm 
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"I feel so much more comfortable* when Stephen isn't in the country."

*may have been 'relaxed'

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:14 am 
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Keni wrote:
"I feel so much more comfortable* when Stephen isn't in the country."

*may have been 'relaxed'


"What was that?"
"She wanted Stephen."
"Don't we all?"

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:44 am 
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This was a good one, with a guy who was causing a lot of trouble several nights in a row:

- "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
- "But I'm Jewish!

Then later, I was very pleased with this:

- "I'm afraid if you continue to stay here and if I continue to feel that you're being aggressive towards me, I'm going to have to call the police. I really hate doing that, but I'm going to have to."
- "Yeah! Call the police! You Nazi! That's what Nazis do, call the police!"
- "No, Nazis call the Gestapo."


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 12:08 pm 
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Location: Heaven sent, hell bent & unrepentant
Eric outside having a smoke.
Girl approaches.

Girl:: Are you straight?
Eric:Yes.
Girl walks away.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:50 pm 
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Jimmy Bastard wrote:
Eric outside having a smoke.
Girl approaches.

Girl:: Are you straight?
Eric:Yes.
Girl walks away.

Brilliant!

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Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. (Oscar Wilde)

Cut the crap & make it happen.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:39 pm 
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when searching for packing boxes

s- do you have any spare cardboard boxes?
tesco staff- we usually crush them. do the boxes need to have integrity?
s- yes
tesco- no we don't have any of those

who'd have thought!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:17 am 
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Tesco's boxes have no integrity, eh?


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 10:38 pm 
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Gorgeous.

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